3 Years Sober

I am going to tell my sobriety story today, because when I first decided to quit drinking, reading other people’s stories helped me get through the hard days.

April 29, 2022

Three years ago today I decided it was time for a change. A serious change. One of the most difficult changes I have ever chosen to make. I decided that I would no longer drink alcohol or partake in mind altering substances. When I set out for this change- I told myself it would only be a one-year trial and I could re-access my situation at that milestone. I had already given up gluten seven years prior for health reasons, how much more could I possibly give up? However, I knew this was important and I needed to give it a try.

Three years ago at this time, my father was very ill. He was in and out of hospitals and rehab centers. We had a complicated relationship, but we were very much involved with each other’s lives. My mom had died 9 years prior and my oldest brother died 6 years prior. My immediate family was dwindling down, and my dad was next.

My husband worked on the road full time. He was in and out the house with no consistency- just as his schedule dictated. We were living very separate lives then.

Our kids were finally both in full-day school schedules, and I was starting to dip my toes back into the world of work outside the home, trying to figure out what I wanted to do after 9 years of being a full- time stay at home mom. I occasionally did freelance production work, but mostly I was home, managing the kids’ lives and our house. Remote jobs were just not a common thing yet and trying to find a job that worked for our lives and schedule was not so simple. For 10 years I had kept myself and our children alive and they were doing great... for the most part. I was starting to notice some patterns in my oldest which were signs that it was time for something to change. That thing was me.

Every night at 5pm I would open a bottle of wine and start drinking while I cooked dinner for the kids. By the time bedtime came around I was usually 3 glasses into the bottle and feeling amazing. I loved being buzzed. I read bedtime stories as if I was on stage in front of an audience of 1000 people and played every character with a different voice. I had been doing this nighttime routine, mostly alone for 9 years, and I was good at it. But there was another side, as there always is.

After they fell asleep, I continued drinking. I would sometimes open a second bottle of wine. I would party by myself until midnight and occasionally end the night with a quick toke to fall asleep.

I would then wake up around 3am drenched in sweat and wide awake … trying to fall back asleep as if my life depended on it, because the next morning with two kids was coming soon and I knew I’d be a mess. I woke up every day around 6am with the kids… angry. I was unhappy in so many ways… and the hangover was not helping the situation. My rage was not good. My rage was coming out in the mornings getting the kids ready for school and out the door. The rage would come out in the car when they would start fighting in a small space. The rage would come out more and more frequently. And what I saw was my oldest child telling me they would do anything as long as I wouldn’t be mad or scream at them anymore. I went from 0 to 60 in a heartbeat.

I was intense. I knew I was. And this was a 9-year-old padding a situation that I was in control of. I knew how fucked up that was.

I started drinking and what I called “partying” at the age of 15. I was good at it. It gave me the confidence that my chubby teenage body did not, and I liked the person I was when I was high or drunk. Plus, it was creating fun and happiness, right?! That partying continued and thrived in college, where I met my life partner. He and I met at a party and continued our partying all through our 20s, 30’s and into our 40’s together and on our own. Until the party did not feel like a party anymore. It was easy to start the night, but it was ending bad most nights. The mornings were worse. Our bodies and minds were physically in pain, and we were both angry a lot. There are moments in my later years of partying that stick out as moments when I realized I had a problem.

- After drinking all day on vacation and rage screaming down the street in Buenos Aires at midnight.

- Getting drunk at a play date and being told to watch out so I don’t step on her 1-year-old baby.

- Drinking 9 beers on an empty stomach at my 20-year high school reunion- having to return home and go to my nephew’s birthday party the next day still drunk.

Then, in 2016, a classmate of our kids was killed in a drunk driving accident. The story hit me like a ton of bricks. Our kids were 5 and 7 at the time. The mom of this little girl had been driving her daughter and 2 friends when a drunk driver t-boned their car killing her daughter instantly. I thought about all the times I had driven buzzed while having my kids in the car. And how many more times I had driven that way without them in the car. I vowed to slow my drinking down. So, I only drank on weekends and never if I was going to someone’s house and I was the driver. It was better, but the rage was still there… and getting worse.

It took me another 2 + years after the news of that little girl, for me to completely stop drinking.

My last day of drinking, I yelled so harshly at my kids in the car, my throat hurt after. I was exhausted from screaming and being angry all the time. I knew I was a monster and could not live like this anymore. I could not do this to our kids anymore.

I did not go to AA. I did a very Valerie thing and searched the internet for help and guidance. I used YouTube and online communities that were positive and helped to answer some of the questions I was having. I also talked to my partner at home. He had nearly stopped drinking himself and was very willing to hear me through my process and supported my decision. His support made it the most possible to do this.

There were days I wanted a drink so badly I envisioned bashing my head into walls. It was a really difficult habit to break. Just before my 1 year of sobriety, I decided to go to an AA meeting with an old family friend. I went to two meetings, but it just didn’t feel right. I understood the need for those meetings and I’m so glad I went, but I knew it wasn’t for me.

Then, March 3rd, 2020, my father died. 2 weeks later we were shelter in place for the beginning of the pandemic. No funeral or memorial. Just us, our kids, and the nightly news.

My partner stopped drinking as well and we ventured into the pandemic sober, grieving, and scared.

3 years later. We are here. We made it. I am still sober.

My kids don’t even remember that I drank at one time, but to me it’s a lifetime. I drank from 15 to 41yrs old.

My 1st year of sobriety was full of questions and negotiating with myself. Daily struggles of just staying the course and feeling all the bad feelings without masking it in oblivion. The 2nd year was the most revealing, where my happy childhood memories uncovered to be something very different than happy. Not awful, because I had loving parents, but not the happy that I had concocted it to be. The sheen of gold I had wanted things to have, was beginning to wipe away. Getting to know who I was without the party was tough. I liked my party-self. I enjoyed being the girl who knew about decent wines and could handle her dirty vodka on the rocks. The girl who could pack a decent bowl and party with her dad and his senior citizen friends at the beach. Who the hell am I now? How do you have fun when you are sober?

The 3rd year has been picking up a lot of pieces, accepting things as they are, and trying to figure out where I fit into this world. I turn 44 in 4 days. I wish I could tell you I’m in a good place, but I’m in the midst of tidal wave of grief, that my birthday usually brings. I say usually because this is 12 birthdays without my mom. 9 birthdays without my oldest brother. 2 birthdays without my dad.

I also know that these tidal waves of grief and pain pass, and that the sun is behind the clouds even if I can’t see it. It’s there waiting for me when the clouds pass. The gratitude list is a real thing and real lifesaver!

We have a roof over our heads and good food on the table.

Jobs that make that possible.

I have a supportive, loving partner and best friend of 23 years.

2 healthy kids that surprise me and make me proud daily.

Friends and family that show up.

I have a brother who is here and will listen to me. We’ve been through a lot together. We are the last of the Lincolnwood Dorizas clan.

I am lucky enough to have been loved so deeply by my family members that are gone, and therefore I grieve so deeply.

(I wish I came up with that one on my own but heard it from a poet in my grief group).

On bad days, I still negotiate with the future… maybe I’ll drink again one day. Or maybe I’ll be stoned through my retirement years. But the truth is, I don’t want that. I like being sober. I like waking up clear headed. I like remembering things. I like being able to think before I get angry. It doesn’t always work, but I’m much better at it. I’m more compassionate than before. I am starting to like the “non-party” me. Sometimes I miss her free spirt and confidence, but I’m much smarter than her. I know how to tackle real problems without covering them up. I think I’ll find her confidence again soon, but until then, I’ll keep surviving the way I know best… getting up every single day and doing it again.

Photo Credit: Dylan Velho - 2022